I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”