Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
You Might Also Like
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.