“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
You Might Also Like
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods