[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
You Might Also Like
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
…u ok Nintendo?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go