Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
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I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security