“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The cashier just checked me out.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now