*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You Might Also Like
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks