If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
🙋♀️
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time