Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”