chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…