I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Admin smashed it 😂
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
There’s always that one guy
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
#MeanwhileinCanada
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby