Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Me driving through Toronto
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.