how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can鈥檛 even understand the direct ones.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times