To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-