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I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
wut hotdog?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.