Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Life cycle of cat
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.