One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married