One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
You Might Also Like
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’m giving up ice.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
(Jupiter –
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle