me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.