“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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I gave up going to work for lent.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m literally crying
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”