Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.