I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing