New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there