“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
what kind of cook setting is this??
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”