9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
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“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion