It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
grotesque if literal: baby food
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Everyone’s family
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press