A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
What if all the cashiers are married?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean