Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Sunday
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: