[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
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Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
The cashier just checked me out.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Accurate
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
bears
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services