You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?