A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Cool shirt 🙂
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.