before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️