Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
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If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Education is vital
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
just leave it at the foot of the bed
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.