“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…