A Short Story.
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Fluff me with a fork baby
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
How high do the levels go?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?