You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”