I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
You Might Also Like
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*