My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock