“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection