Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
You Might Also Like
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Not all heroes wear capes…
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.