PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene