Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Meow
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me