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Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.