them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’d use my best pan on you.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.