If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
My inexpensive home security system…
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.