[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.