The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.