Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect