me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.