ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Why I divorced her.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second